On August 14, 2012, after thirteen years with the same company, I quit my job, with no plan about what would come next. In retrospect it was more than that; I walked away from a career, away from a six-figure salary, and toward something entirely different. Here’s why. (Part 3 of 7). Missed the start? Part 1 is here.
Peeps
I started to work from home full-time in 2005. Until then I had been commuting to the office like an average Joe. When my employer transitioned the largest study I managed from using a call center to collecting surveys online they let 70 people go and kept two of them. I was one of those two. For a while I kept working at the office – it was a shared space with people from another business unit – tho there wasn’t any face-to-face business to be done there. Not seeing the point of working on-site I decided to start working from home.
To prepare for this I arranged to have work calls transferred to my home phone, set up a formal office in a spare bedroom, and upgraded to high-speed internet (thought bubble – geesh dial-up internet makes me feel old!) Working from home would save me over an hour a day in commute time and saved some serious coin in gas and toll roads. Though I didn’t take into account this decision would have another effect: I got lonely.
The upside of this newfound loneliness, if there was an upside, is I craved social interaction more than ever. Some days working from home included a few phone calls. Other days it was just email. Most days it was decidedly too quiet. I learned pretty fast that to stay sane I’d need to find some new social outlets.
Initially this included talking to the neighbors more. If our retired neighbor wanted to stand and chat for ten minutes as we headed to collect our mail I figured sure, why not? I also joined the local YMCA and attended a 6am boot camp that met twice a week. There is something special about getting your arse kicked in the name of physical fitness alongside others getting their collective arses kicked at the same time that is all kinds of fun.
During my depression in 2011 and 2012 I also relied heavily on a weekly men’s group for support and perspective, their listening ear was very good medicine. One friend in particular gave me some straight talk right when I needed it most. His questions were simple, “What are you doing?” “What now?” “How are you faring as a husband and father?” The questions forced me to look at my impact on those around me, particularly loved ones. I’m better able to answer those questions these days compared to 18 months ago.
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I also leaned extra hard into my wife for support during the two depressive episodes. She has always been crazy awesome in so many ways, smart, funny, witty, and willing to challenge me in life when needed. When I had problems sleeping she was full of possible solutions to try. My favorite was a suggestion, try sleeping at the foot of the bed. “Maybe you need to change your perspective, flip it in your head to sleep” she told me. I tried that, it helped, and I still take this approach from time-to-time when in search of new perspectives. She stayed by my side – and by the foot of the bed – through the highs and lows of this dark time and literally gave me permission to walk away from the job. How she put up with me during this time I’ll never fully understand. She’s an amazing woman, and without her support none of this would have been possible.
Another outlet that ended up being very helpful in relieving the loneliness was to reconnect with how I understood community growing up – through church. My wife and I decided to shop around for a good congregation, found a place we liked, and joined. We both got involved in various ways, including volunteering as greeters and ushers, co-leading a young adult group, attending retreats or other weekend programs, and generally fully immersed ourselves in the life of the church.
I also joined church council, which is its own fascinating ecosystem, and a very social thing. The role on council kept me plenty busy and typically required meeting three to four evenings a month. The combination of community, social interaction and taking on leadership roles that focused on things I cared about was – and is – a powerful elixir to combat loneliness.
Embracing my peeps – in all their various forms – has helped me grow as a person and I look at life a bit differently of late. Now, instead of basing a personal identity on what I do, i.e a job, the aim is a bit different: to define myself by the quality of relationships I have with others. So far that’s been a much healthier view. I didn’t realize it until later, tho in retrospect through these peeps I was learning to love one world, of a faith community, while becoming increasingly disillusioned with the other world of my day job in corporate America. Disbelief in this other world, you know, the one that pays the bills, began to grow.
Continue on to Part 4 – Disbelief.
