On August 14, 2012, after thirteen years with the same company, I quit my job, with no plan about what would come next. In retrospect it was more than that; I walked away from a career, away from a six-figure salary, and toward something entirely different. Here’s why.  (Part 2 of 7).  Missed the start? Rewind to Part 1.

Depression

The first few months as a manager were pretty tough. As an employee I felt obligated to take on even more challenging assignments, and pull even longer hours than before. I also felt like a bit of an imposter, that there must have been someone that’d be better at this job, heck someone that actually wanted it. As a manager I felt like I had to have the right answer, at all times. People were depending on me, and I couldn’t let them down.

Right around this time a good friend passed away unexpectedly, and was far too young to go. A few months after that, my mother-in-law passed away too. There was a lot of change going on, none of it that I wanted, all at once. I didn’t deal with all this loss well, which led to some unhealthy sleep patterns. Or maybe they were un-sleep patterns. Most nights during this time I’d lay in bed and obsess about the old predictable job I missed, of how to get better at the new job that I still wasn’t sure I wanted, and about these people who were close to me passing away. For six weeks or so I averaged three hours of sleep a night, which began to take a toll.

Not being able to sleep, I went to a psychiatrist to get sleeping pills. When that didn’t work, and thinking my challenges at work were tied to an inability to focus I added in prescription medication for ADHD. When that didn’t work I added in anxiety pills for difficult conversations with co-workers. When all of that failed, I finally went to a psychologist – really should have started there in the first place – and was diagnosed with a major depressive episode.

For a time, with the help of medication, the fog of depression lifted. I started to gain confidence in my work. I really started to enjoy being a manager. There is something very special about helping people along their path. I learned you don’t have to have the answers, you just have to listen, and remove roadblocks that pop up along the way. In many ways I learned to love the leadership piece of the job much more than the daily tasks of getting our product out the door.

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Unfortunately, the fog of depression never fully lifted.  And then I was assigned another manager in May 2012 and had the joy (insert sarcasm) of experiencing yet another corporate reorganization. The descent into darkness began anew.

There was one moment that really stands out during this time. I had found a way to save our company a sizeable chunk of change, and received an award for it. The award was announced at a company-wide meeting, a nice shiny-happy-feel-good moment. Five minutes after this meeting ended the phone rang. Instead of a “Hello” or “Congrats” or even “How are you doing?” it was my boss, and the president of our company, and I was being asked “What happened?”

It seems one of the projects I managed had some data issues, and answers were being demanded, dammit. I got to work answering the pointed questions and solving the problems.  It’s difficult to describe how much this sucks, being at the top of the mountain in your career and then having your legs cut out from under you right after that. I remember begin told on this call, “if we can’t figure this out people could lose their jobs.” Go Team go, now that’s the spirit! Right….

This experience, of receiving an award for good works followed by a quick switch to cold, impersonal doubt showed me all that mattered in this corner of corporate America was the Almighty Dollar. Personal relationships, in and of themselves, were only a means to an end of higher profits. As someone that has become more and more relational over the years this was a problem.

Continue on to Part 3 – Peeps.