Tag Archives: depression

We Both Had Insomnia

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A few years back a set of experiences changed how I spend most my waking hours, playing a large role in why I’m pursuing ordained ministry. First I was promoted at work (a positive, right?). A couple months later a good friend passed away far too young. A few weeks later my mother-in-law passed away too. You can read about this in more detail in an earlier series, Why I Walked if you’re curious.

Long story short all this change messed me up pretty good, which led to many sleepless nights. For six weeks I averaged three hours of sleep a night. Over time this took a toll.

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photos-insomnia-image26498603

Not being able to sleep, I went to a psychiatrist to get sleeping pills. When that didn’t work, and thinking my challenges were tied to focus, I added in prescription medication for ADHD. When that didn’t work I added in anxiety pills for particularly stressful moments of life. When all of that failed, I finally went to a psychologist – really should have started there in the first place – and was diagnosed with a major depressive episode. Within days the dark fog of depression began to lift and I began to heal. I began to live again.

While all this was going on I also tried another treatment: God. I read scripture, searching for answers in ancient wisdom. I read Christian books, thinking some nugget of Truth would leap off the page. I prayed – A LOT – begging God to take this ailment away. Each attempt the answer as I understood it was the same. God was silent. I was alone.

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I know now God was with me through the depths of depression that included pills, prayers and pain. God was present through the love and patience of my wife, who both supported and challenged me, and most importantly stayed by my side when times were tough.

God appeared through phone calls from friends and hugs of empathy, from people determined to be present in my pain.

God showed Godself in the wisdom of a psychologist, who within 15 minutes spoke with clarity. “I know this problem” she said confidently, “You are clinically depressed. We can do something about that.”

Thinking about all those sleepless nights filled with tears I realize I was not alone at all. God was there. In that space. In that place. God hadn’t fallen asleep on me. We both had insomnia.

Why I Walked – Part 5 – Resurrection

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On August 14, 2012, after thirteen years with the same company, I quit my job, with no plan about what would come next. In retrospect it was more than that; I walked away from a career, away from a six-figure salary, and toward something entirely different. Here’s why.  (Part 5 of 7). Missed the start? Rewind to Part 1.

Resurrection

In some ways my challenge with social isolation (see Peeps for more) and lack of meaning in the day job were killing me. It may be that the depression was a result of spending so much time in one world, in “Corporate America”, while yearning for another – yearning for a community with Higher purpose. Over the years these disconnects only grew:  I became more disillusioned with the values of the former while being increasingly drawn to the latter.

“Depression is a kind of death” says Parker Palmer, and looking back egad I can see that. Part of the death in depression is that the brain literally stops functioning properly. When it gets really bad, logic and reason stop working almost entirely, and the brain only functions using the raw emotions of fight or flight. When you work in market research and need to create and analyze, think logically, and be accurate this becomes a huge problem. At one point my mind was so scrambled that the basic calculations I did daily on the job would take three or four times as long to do. Often I’d do the same calculation multiple times, not able to trust my brain that I’d arrived at the correct answer. Sometimes I hadn’t.

The light - and light - literally leaves
Brainscan of depression: the light literally leaves

The death of the job came on August 14, 2012, when I handed in the two-week notice. Not able to fend off the descent into depression that came this second time, not able to fully embrace the corporate values I was asked to foster and uphold, it seemed like the only sane thing to do. Several people close to me encouraged me to take FMLA, some time away from the job to heal up. Looking back that was probably a more viable option than I realized at the time, I just couldn’t see it from within the fog-cloud of depression. Looking forward it still wouldn’t have resolved my issues with these underlying corporate values I was never quite sold on, so maybe the whole thing would have just repeated itself again anyways.

The reasons are physical as well as psychological. purchasing this purchase viagra online In an interview last week, on ABC’s “20/20” with Barbara Walters, Peter Cook former husband of supermodel Christie Brinkley, blamed Brinkley for his affair: “I wanted a little acknowledgement, a little attention, a little thank-you every now and then for my efforts, for the amount of time I took to care for her and my family, for the wealth I was building.” The key point here is to. cost viagra There are many skilled hypnotists buy viagra for cheap in this spectacular country, who allow individuals to relish the benefits of this outstanding procedure. Circulatory system: Texts of Ayurveda eulogize this herb as a cardiac cute-n-tiny.com viagra sample tonic as it strengthens the heart. After quitting, the depression got worse for a few months, the whys and what next questions were haunting. My psychologist refers to this time as detox, where the biochemical effects of depression, including low levels of serotonin begin to return to their normal, pre-depression levels.

Then an amazing thing happened, I began to heal. Many people speak of this rebound from the ailment as when the Fog is lifted, and I totally understand that metaphor. Personally my reaction to healing was of shock, I remember thinking, “Oh my gosh, I’m still here, I’m still here!’

the fog lifted, and light began to shine down again

Another metaphor that started to come into focus once the healing began was of being raised from the dead, of new life. Over the past several years, while all of this was playing out, I became more and more involved in our local, Lutheran church and had met and befriended many Peeps. In this other world, of faith and grace, things began to make more and more sense.

In Jesus there is a role model for death and rebirth. The rebirth can be understood as a means for how we choose to treat others, and why we do what we do. Have problems? Bring them to the cross, die to self, and be reborn with purpose. This always made sense to me on some level. After coming out of the depths of depression it has taken on new meaning. It also created some questions on where to go from here.

Continue on to Part 6 – Questions.

Healing-Hands

Why I Walked – Part 2 – Depression

word, ,

On August 14, 2012, after thirteen years with the same company, I quit my job, with no plan about what would come next. In retrospect it was more than that; I walked away from a career, away from a six-figure salary, and toward something entirely different. Here’s why.  (Part 2 of 7).  Missed the start? Rewind to Part 1.

Depression

The first few months as a manager were pretty tough. As an employee I felt obligated to take on even more challenging assignments, and pull even longer hours than before. I also felt like a bit of an imposter, that there must have been someone that’d be better at this job, heck someone that actually wanted it. As a manager I felt like I had to have the right answer, at all times. People were depending on me, and I couldn’t let them down.

Right around this time a good friend passed away unexpectedly, and was far too young to go. A few months after that, my mother-in-law passed away too. There was a lot of change going on, none of it that I wanted, all at once. I didn’t deal with all this loss well, which led to some unhealthy sleep patterns. Or maybe they were un-sleep patterns. Most nights during this time I’d lay in bed and obsess about the old predictable job I missed, of how to get better at the new job that I still wasn’t sure I wanted, and about these people who were close to me passing away. For six weeks or so I averaged three hours of sleep a night, which began to take a toll.

Not being able to sleep, I went to a psychiatrist to get sleeping pills. When that didn’t work, and thinking my challenges at work were tied to an inability to focus I added in prescription medication for ADHD. When that didn’t work I added in anxiety pills for difficult conversations with co-workers. When all of that failed, I finally went to a psychologist – really should have started there in the first place – and was diagnosed with a major depressive episode.

It was news to me, and it sucked
It was news to me, and it sucked

For a time, with the help of medication, the fog of depression lifted. I started to gain confidence in my work. I really started to enjoy being a manager. There is something very special about helping people along their path. I learned you don’t have to have the answers, you just have to listen, and remove roadblocks that pop up along the way. In many ways I learned to love the leadership piece of the job much more than the daily tasks of getting our product out the door.

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community-manager
one way to approach leadership

Unfortunately, the fog of depression never fully lifted.  And then I was assigned another manager in May 2012 and had the joy (insert sarcasm) of experiencing yet another corporate reorganization. The descent into darkness began anew.

There was one moment that really stands out during this time. I had found a way to save our company a sizeable chunk of change, and received an award for it. The award was announced at a company-wide meeting, a nice shiny-happy-feel-good moment. Five minutes after this meeting ended the phone rang. Instead of a “Hello” or “Congrats” or even “How are you doing?” it was my boss, and the president of our company, and I was being asked “What happened?”

It seems one of the projects I managed had some data issues, and answers were being demanded, dammit. I got to work answering the pointed questions and solving the problems.  It’s difficult to describe how much this sucks, being at the top of the mountain in your career and then having your legs cut out from under you right after that. I remember begin told on this call, “if we can’t figure this out people could lose their jobs.” Go Team go, now that’s the spirit! Right….

a somewhat different view of leadership
another leadership approach…

This experience, of receiving an award for good works followed by a quick switch to cold, impersonal doubt showed me all that mattered in this corner of corporate America was the Almighty Dollar. Personal relationships, in and of themselves, were only a means to an end of higher profits. As someone that has become more and more relational over the years this was a problem.

Continue on to Part 3 – Peeps.