All posts by PastorInPajamas

Why I Walked – Part 3 – Peeps

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On August 14, 2012, after thirteen years with the same company, I quit my job, with no plan about what would come next. In retrospect it was more than that; I walked away from a career, away from a six-figure salary, and toward something entirely different. Here’s why.  (Part 3 of 7). Missed the start? Part 1 is here.

Peeps

I started to work from home full-time in 2005. Until then I had been commuting to the office like an average Joe. When my employer transitioned the largest study I managed from using a call center to collecting surveys online they let 70 people go and kept two of them. I was one of those two.  For a while I kept working at the office – it was a shared space with people from another business unit – tho there wasn’t any face-to-face business to be done there.  Not seeing the point of working on-site I decided to start working from home.

To prepare for this I arranged to have work calls transferred to my home phone, set up a formal office in a spare bedroom, and upgraded to high-speed internet (thought bubble – geesh dial-up internet makes me feel old!) Working from home would save me over an hour a day in commute time and saved some serious coin in gas and toll roads.  Though I didn’t take into account this decision would have another effect: I got lonely.

The upside of this newfound loneliness, if there was an upside, is I craved social interaction more than ever. Some days working from home included a few phone calls. Other days it was just email. Most days it was decidedly too quiet.  I learned pretty fast that to stay sane I’d need to find some new social outlets.

I really did, in many ways, for a while
I really did, in my finest pajamas

Initially this included talking to the neighbors more. If our retired neighbor wanted to stand and chat for ten minutes as we headed to collect our mail I figured sure, why not? I also joined the local YMCA and attended a 6am boot camp that met twice a week. There is something special about getting your arse kicked in the name of physical fitness alongside others getting their collective arses kicked at the same time that is all kinds of fun.

During my depression in 2011 and 2012 I also relied heavily on a weekly men’s group for support and perspective, their listening ear was very good medicine. One friend in particular gave me some straight talk right when I needed it most. His questions were simple, “What are you doing?” “What now?” “How are you faring as a husband and father?” The questions forced me to look at my impact on those around me, particularly loved ones. I’m better able to answer those questions these days compared to 18 months ago.

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Every week, 6am at the local Denny's
every week, 6am at the local Denny’s

I also leaned extra hard into my wife for support during the two depressive episodes. She has always been crazy awesome in so many ways, smart, funny, witty, and willing to challenge me in life when needed.  When I had problems sleeping she was full of possible solutions to try. My favorite was a suggestion, try sleeping at the foot of the bed. “Maybe you need to change your perspective, flip it in your head to sleep” she told me. I tried that, it helped, and I still take this approach from time-to-time when in search of new perspectives. She stayed by my side – and by the foot of the bed – through the highs and lows of this dark time and literally gave me permission to walk away from the job. How she put up with me during this time I’ll never fully understand. She’s an amazing woman, and without her support none of this would have been possible.

wasn't quite like this, tho I *so* want this chair
wasn’t quite like this, tho I *so* dig this chair

Another outlet that ended up being very helpful in relieving the loneliness was to reconnect with how I understood community growing up – through church. My wife and I decided to shop around for a good congregation, found a place we liked, and joined. We both got involved in various ways, including volunteering as greeters and ushers, co-leading a young adult group, attending retreats or other weekend programs, and generally fully immersed ourselves in the life of the church.

I also joined church council, which is its own fascinating ecosystem, and a very social thing. The role on council kept me plenty busy and typically required meeting three to four evenings a month. The combination of community, social interaction and taking on leadership roles that focused on things I cared about was – and is – a powerful elixir to combat loneliness.

here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and there is LIFE
here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and there is LIFE

Embracing my peeps  – in all their various forms – has helped me grow as a person and I look at life a bit differently of late. Now, instead of basing a personal identity on what I do, i.e a job, the aim is a bit different: to define myself by the quality of relationships I have with others. So far that’s been a much healthier view.  I didn’t realize it until later, tho in retrospect through these peeps I was learning to love one world, of a faith community, while becoming increasingly disillusioned with the other world of my day job in corporate America. Disbelief in this other world, you know, the one that pays the bills, began to grow.

Continue on to Part 4 – Disbelief.

Why I Walked – Part 2 – Depression

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On August 14, 2012, after thirteen years with the same company, I quit my job, with no plan about what would come next. In retrospect it was more than that; I walked away from a career, away from a six-figure salary, and toward something entirely different. Here’s why.  (Part 2 of 7).  Missed the start? Rewind to Part 1.

Depression

The first few months as a manager were pretty tough. As an employee I felt obligated to take on even more challenging assignments, and pull even longer hours than before. I also felt like a bit of an imposter, that there must have been someone that’d be better at this job, heck someone that actually wanted it. As a manager I felt like I had to have the right answer, at all times. People were depending on me, and I couldn’t let them down.

Right around this time a good friend passed away unexpectedly, and was far too young to go. A few months after that, my mother-in-law passed away too. There was a lot of change going on, none of it that I wanted, all at once. I didn’t deal with all this loss well, which led to some unhealthy sleep patterns. Or maybe they were un-sleep patterns. Most nights during this time I’d lay in bed and obsess about the old predictable job I missed, of how to get better at the new job that I still wasn’t sure I wanted, and about these people who were close to me passing away. For six weeks or so I averaged three hours of sleep a night, which began to take a toll.

Not being able to sleep, I went to a psychiatrist to get sleeping pills. When that didn’t work, and thinking my challenges at work were tied to an inability to focus I added in prescription medication for ADHD. When that didn’t work I added in anxiety pills for difficult conversations with co-workers. When all of that failed, I finally went to a psychologist – really should have started there in the first place – and was diagnosed with a major depressive episode.

It was news to me, and it sucked
It was news to me, and it sucked

For a time, with the help of medication, the fog of depression lifted. I started to gain confidence in my work. I really started to enjoy being a manager. There is something very special about helping people along their path. I learned you don’t have to have the answers, you just have to listen, and remove roadblocks that pop up along the way. In many ways I learned to love the leadership piece of the job much more than the daily tasks of getting our product out the door.

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community-manager
one way to approach leadership

Unfortunately, the fog of depression never fully lifted.  And then I was assigned another manager in May 2012 and had the joy (insert sarcasm) of experiencing yet another corporate reorganization. The descent into darkness began anew.

There was one moment that really stands out during this time. I had found a way to save our company a sizeable chunk of change, and received an award for it. The award was announced at a company-wide meeting, a nice shiny-happy-feel-good moment. Five minutes after this meeting ended the phone rang. Instead of a “Hello” or “Congrats” or even “How are you doing?” it was my boss, and the president of our company, and I was being asked “What happened?”

It seems one of the projects I managed had some data issues, and answers were being demanded, dammit. I got to work answering the pointed questions and solving the problems.  It’s difficult to describe how much this sucks, being at the top of the mountain in your career and then having your legs cut out from under you right after that. I remember begin told on this call, “if we can’t figure this out people could lose their jobs.” Go Team go, now that’s the spirit! Right….

a somewhat different view of leadership
another leadership approach…

This experience, of receiving an award for good works followed by a quick switch to cold, impersonal doubt showed me all that mattered in this corner of corporate America was the Almighty Dollar. Personal relationships, in and of themselves, were only a means to an end of higher profits. As someone that has become more and more relational over the years this was a problem.

Continue on to Part 3 – Peeps.

Why I Walked – Part 1 – Shock

word,

On August 14, 2012, after thirteen years with the same company, I quit my job, with no plan about what would come next. In retrospect it was more than that; I walked away from a career, away from a six-figure salary, and toward something entirely different. Here’s why.  (Part 1 of 7).

Shock

This may sound odd, but the initial trigger that started me thinking about walking away from the job was being offered a promotion. I’d been happily employed by the same company for a dozen years at that point. My role was in syndicated research, which involved doing a few really big market research projects well: meeting deadlines, publishing accurate data, generally keeping the white-collar assembly line humming with minimum downtime.

I enjoyed working with my peers, had good managers for the most part, and happily took on challenging assignments. I also enjoyed using surveys to help understand and explain similarities and differences among various groups of people, it is interesting work, well at least it was interesting to me. Taking information a step further, crafting a message toward some desired goal, say the purchase of a widget, just fascinates me. And so it went for a dozen years.

Then, in June 2011 I was offered a promotion. This wasn’t something I’d expected or planned for, and it came with a with a decent salary bump, sweetness. I’d get to manage a small team of five people and would be responsible for producing an entire line of survey products for our company. Exciting, right? The trouble was, for some reason, I *didn’t* want the job.

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What do you mean you want to promote me?!?
What did you say? Promote? Who, me?!?

Why not?  Part of it, I think, was that I wasn’t expecting it, the opportunity caught me off guard, shock probably best describes the initial response.  The company I worked for had a policy of not allowing employees that work off-site to become managers, so I didn’t think a promotion of this sort was even possible. I’d accepted this reality in my own head, of having reached a plateau in my career, and that was ok.

Besides, like many others, my company would frequently reorganize and was always on the lookout to cut costs. This often equated to cutting staff. So I figured at some point my number would be up anyways, I assumed I’d get laid off sooner than get promoted. After being there those dozen years I would have gotten a decent severance package and had some time to ponder the next career steps.

Not able to keep my old position – at least as it had existed – and not being let go, I reluctantly accepted the promotion. Thus began the descent.

Continue on to Part 2 – Depression.

Six Things I Learned At Seminary

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This January 12-25 I trekked to Luther Seminary in St. Paul Minneapolis to take two classes on campus, Intro to Christian Education and Telling the Story. It was a wonderful experience, and learned much about how to communicate faith in small groups and in larger public settings. We also had the opportunity to create our first short sermon, or sermonette, and deliver it in front of other seminarians for feedback, way cool.

There were a lot of other takeaways from these two weeks, and I now understand better why they call them “intensives.” Here are six other things I learned while there.

The snowbirds are right

It was cold, really cold in St. Paul. With the exception of one day the high was 13 degrees, with a low of -22. The wind chill frequently brought what it felt like to under -50 degrees.

At times I found myself asking, “really Lord, this weather, for a Florida guy? It’s too cold, please send someone else!”  Then I’d wake up in the morning, look out from the dorm room window and see snowflakes falling from the heavens, covering the land in a pure white blanket. This got me thinking about grace, and the clean start each of us are given at the start of every day. At that point I realized, yeah, maybe this is where I’m supposed to be.

View from my campus dorm room
View from my campus dorm room

The best learning happens after class

The classes were awesome, yes, but what I didn’t anticipate was all of the community and learning that would take place outside of the classroom. After our morning class most students went straight to the 11am chapel service that is held daily. To participate in a service with 100+ other future clergy was very personally meaningful. From there we’d shuffle over to the cafeteria for lunch and chat about the morning class and takeaways from chapel.

After our second class, and a bit of down time to study, we’d typically head out for dinner and drinks to decompress. Many of my peers also work in church settings or other faith-based organizations, and we’d spend a good bit of time using phrases like, “have you heard of this?” “have you tried that?”, or “It sounds like your congregation would be a good fit for…” Much of this is still simmering in my noggin, and look forward to exploring the art of the possible with my home congregation, St. Michael Lutheran in Wellington FL.

Post-class education
Post-class education

Bishop Eaton can fist bump

While at seminary the presiding Bishop of the ELCA, Elizabeth Eaton, spent some time with many of us that are part of this hybrid online/on-campus seminary experience. After a brief talk she rotated through tables to speak with us in small groups. It was kind of like speed dating in a way.  Bishop Eaton comes across as dynamic and engaged, willing to speak up and out about any question that was asked, and at times would outwardly reflect on what she had just spoken, very existential.  After this experience I’m looking forward even more to seeing how she’ll lead our Lutheran denomination over the next six years.

Fist bump with Elizabeth Eaton, Presiding Bishop of the ELCA
Fist bump with Elizabeth Eaton, aka kickin’ it with the Bish

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We all have a voice

One of the favorite exercises we did in class was to select a favorite passage of scripture and deliver it in front of class. The verses people selected came from all over the bible, from Genesis to Revelations, and amazingly each passage we selected was different, no repeats. Some in our class are naturally gifted public speakers, others are more of a work in progress (aka yours truly), tho everyone spoke from the heart. To hear 90 minutes straight of the spoken Word, delivered by people passionate about the words they speak, was empowering. I came away with a few ideas on how this could be replicated in other ways, stay tuned for more.

This Word Cloud gives a visual sense of the spoken scripture selections from class today. This is a summary of common themes across the entire group; where words mentioned most in the readings are the largest. In a way the image provides some insight into what future clergy consider valuable from the Good Book at this particular moment in time.

Themes from our class selected scripture readings
Themes from our class selected scripture readings

We’re diverse, but not quite there

Our cohort of 30 seminarians is fairly diverse in many ways. Over half the group are female, probably a good sign of how ELCA pulpits will look in the coming years. The LGBT community is well represented; I’m blessed to learn alongside a gay man, transgender woman, and bi woman. There is also some diversity among race and ethnicity that includes an African American and two Latinos.

On the other hand, in one class we watched the documentary There is a Time for Burning, a movie from 1966 that outlines efforts to build dialogue between two Lutheran churches in Omaha. One of the churches was all-white, the other all black. The documentary was filled with tension, and, ultimately attempts at dialogue failed. Looking up at our classroom I noticed the vast majority of students in class are white, and realized there is still more work to be done if we want to truly be an inclusive Church. We’ll get there.

a_time_for_burning

There’s no place like home

Egad the two weeks in St. Paul were fun! To be on campus with other graduate students with the sole purpose of learning, and absorbing as much as possible is very freeing, I loved every bit of it. My wife refers to this time away as “bible camp” and in some ways that describes it to a t. I’m already looking forward the two weeks in June at seminary and whatever those experiences will hold.

At the same time I missed my wife, our kids, our dogs, the men’s bible study, our church community, and so much more of our life here terribly. An email exchange here, a Skype session to see my three year-old daughter Hannah and 15 week-old son Graham on the computer there, it just wasn’t the same. Now, back from “bible camp” it’s exciting to plug back into all of those things I’d been missing while away. It’s been a wild ride so far, and looking forward to sharing it with you as the story unfolds.

Me, wife Kathi, Hannah and Graham
Me, wife Kathi, Hannah and Graham